Reflections from Karen Young's Seminar - Emotional Regulation; Social & Emotional Regulation and Wellbeing

For those of you who made it to our Karen Young Parent Night, thank you! I hope you enjoyed her as much as I did. I pray she filled your parenting cup. My girls are young, but they are old enough to have taught me this: PARENTING IS A TOUGH GIG!

I have had a few challenging and stretching experiences in my life: missions to third-world countries, living in a culture that spoke a different language and moving across the world from Canada to Australia, to a place I’d never been... to list a few of the big ones.

As a counsellor, I sit with other people's emotions, experiences and trauma all the time, and I can honestly say, of all the things I’ve done, - parenting has been my greatest challenge.

Karen Young spoke brilliantly about such a complex topic: The brain sharing about the three parts of our brain:

1. Reptilian - the survival brain - Am I safe?
2. Mammalian - the feeling brain - Am I loved?
3. Rational Brain - Thinking - What can I learn?

Why is this important? Because when big feelings are happening we make this mistake of coming to the frontal, rational brain, when our kids are stuck in their reptilian brain. Its job is to keep them safe, and it’s doing its job, but big behaviours are driven by a brain that doesn’t feel safe and a body that is ready to respond.

Big feelings are a way to recruit support and bring you closer. How confusing!

When my child is being really spicy and demonstrating big feelings, it can feel like a struggle to want to draw closer.

Karen shared a few things that challenged me:

• Being alone in distress is the worst - and I know this to be true for myself
• Anything that emotionally or physically separates a child from their adult sends the brain into bigger distress.
• Dysregulation in us leads to dysregulation in our kids.

So what can we do for our kids?

• Show them that we can handle their big feelings - and I want you to hear this parents - there big feelings are NOT a reflection of your parenting.
• Show our kids we enjoy taking care of them.
• Co-regulate - self-regulation happens with lots and lots of experience co-regulating
• Lead your children - boundaries facilitate a sense of safety, and a child won’t let us take care of them if they don’t trust us to lead them.
• When you make a mistake, model repair

Regardless of where you are at in your parenting journey, I want you to know that raising a child is not easy, and you are doing a good job.

If you enjoyed Karen Young or would like to access more of her materials, she has some great books for children about anxiety and emotions on her website https://www.heysigmund.com. I also encourage you to follow her on socials.

To find out more about upcoming speaking events these can be found on her website https://www.heysigmund.com/public-events/ along with her resources.

Erin James
Counselling Team Leader